Back to "Normal"

It's nice to be settling back into something that resembles our normal life. Jason is finally feeling better - he started on antibiotics on Friday, and they kicked in by Sunday. We had to back out of going on the JDF walk with some good friends (sorry guys -- we really missed you!), but Jason was feeling spunky again by the afternoon, and we were able to go to a Halloween/Birthday party. Here is a rare picture of the four of us all together (usually Paul or I am behind the camera, but a kindly neighbor saw me setting up the shot with Paul and the kids and offered to take the photo!)

Jason has really been looking forward to dressing up like a cowboy for Halloween -- so much so that it was one of the "essentials" that made into the van when we evacuated last week. The emotional trauma of losing his Halloween Costume would have taken years of therapy to work through!

He's also somewhat settling into the idea that Amanda is going to hang around forever. He vacillates between being nice to her and ignoring her, but at least he's noticing Amanda every once and a while these days! I actually caught him gently rocking her in the swing (the operative word is gently!). I ~think~ he's starting to like her!

"There's got to be a morning after..."

I know it's hokey, but I can't get that song from the Poseidon Adventure out of my mind! Today is the "morning after" (well, the air didn't clear until this afternoon, so the "morning" analogy gets lost a bit, but you get the point!)

I looked out the window about 4 pm, and saw clouds! I got so excited, I told Jason to come see -- blue sky and clouds! He cynically replied -- "no, it's just smoke mom" but I made him get up & see, then he got excited too.

We've been hearing the fire fighting helicopters for days, as they fill up their tanks from a nearby reservoir. But the smoky air wasn't safe for either Jason or the baby, so we've stayed indoors for neatly 48 hours now (ask me if I'm going crazy yet!). So with the clear air, we ventured out to watch the helicopters at work. We hung out next to a guy who is a freelance photographer, taking photos for the sheriff's department, who gave us a lot of inside scoop about the helicopters, where the fires are now, etc. Here are a couple of photos from our outing. It was fascinating to watch the helicopters at work -- what surprised me is that they make quick trips -- there were only 3 different helicopters in flight at the time we watched, but they came very frequently -- sometimes two at once. There wasn't more than a minute or two of time between at least one of them dropping down to fill up. I've learned that there are two different types of fire fighting helicopters -- one has a hanging bucket that they dip into the water and carry to the fire. The other has a hose that sucks the water into a tank in the belly of the chopper. Apparently these hold a lot more water. They take longer to fill up -- the bucket ones pretty much dip and run. It's a quick cycle.

Amanda's meeting with her birth mom

Wednesday morning's "goodbye" visit with her birthmom went very well, from what I can tell. As supportive as I was of the meeting, I was a nervous wreck yesterday morning while getting me and the baby dressed to go.

So, with an incredibly shaky tummy (mine), I took the baby up to the appointment with her birthmom. A friend came along to hold my hand, which I really appreciated! The social worker came and met us in the cafeteria, took the baby and a "thank you" letter we'd written to the birth mom, and returned with the baby less than 15 minutes later! Amanda's birth mom even let the social worker take 2 pictures with the disposable camera I'd sent along of her and Amanda. The social worker didn't give me many details, because she wanted me to leave since the birth mom was still upstairs filling out some medical background that we'd asked for (totally voluntary), and she didn't want us running into each other.

I'm so glad that the meeting happened, but I'm so glad it's over!

Thanks to everyone who has been following our story, and keeping us in their prayers!

Back home

We moved back home last night, and it felt so great to sleep in our own bed again!

The fires have moved away from our house, and we aren't really in any danger now. However, we could still see fire up on Saddleback mountain last night, which was disconcerting to say the least. It's fairly far away, and the firefighters set back fires to keep it away from the development next to us, which will keep us safe. The picture to the left shows what it looked like from the park near our home last night. Ends up that a lot of "looky-loos" used our neighborhood park over the past few days to watch the fires. Great vantage point. Not sure I like living in a tourist attraction, though!

It's really smoky here -- today they school for the school district, for poor air quality. Tasha was excited to have a day in the middle of the week to sleep in! She's with her mom this week, but had dinner with us last night at our friend's home before we moved back to ours. Tasha took the photo below to commemorate our final imposition on them! They have been so incredibly hospitable and generous!

When I drove back home, I ended up following a news van, going from the nearby evacuation center back up to the fires that were still burning. Here I am just trying to go home, and I'm literally on the path of "breaking" news. Too much excitement for this gal, that's for sure...

The kids and I will hole up inside the house for the day -- I've changed all the air filters on the air conditioner intakes to hopefully help keep the air as clean as possible indoors. Jason is still sick (he had a 102 fever last night), but Amanda seems to be doing well. Never a dull moment!

Fire Update

Life is never boring for us, that 's for sure!

Yesterday afternoon, the smoke and the threat of the fire made me so nervous that I started packing up important mementos and changes of clothes and such, just in case. By the time Paul came home from work, the smoke was really bothering Jason (he has a pre-asthmatic condition), and he'd been fighting what seemed to be a mild migraine (he gets those too). We'd been hiding out in the indoors, with the air conditioning running all day, but the smoke was winning. We decided to go get the RV and get away from the house. By that time, I saw flames in the distance between the neighbor's houses, and felt so glad we were leaving! Here's a picture from about 6:30 p.m., from the playground just a few houses down from ours. The flames were on the 3rd ridge from us, about 2 miles away. But still, you can see how smoky it had gotten.

We picked up the RV (and were glad it was safe, since it's stored in an area where it was possible that the fires might have progressed to), and called some friends who live near one of the high schools that was an evacuation center. They had already extended an invitation to us to hang out there, and we accepted it.

After we'd had dinner, our friends offered to watch the kids while we went back home to retrieve Paul's car. The red glow in the distance as we drove back to our house was sobering. You can see from the picture below, that I took closer to 9:30 pm, that the fire had made some progress (now it was on the 2nd ridge from the house). I'm so glad we left. I think we were among the first in the neighborhood to leave, but with a newborn baby and another child suffering from the smoke already, we really needed to.

After I saw this image on my camera, I tried to clean the lens, before I realized that the specks were caused by the ash in the air.

I feel nearly completely free of anxiety, since we are away from the danger and smoke now. I don't know when we'll be able to return home -- it looks like the fire is going to keep us away at least another day.

Last night was rough -- Jason was sick in the middle of the night, and woke up with a fever, an "eye-ache", and a tummy ache. Tylenol worked wonders, an it's now 11 am and he seems much better. The baby had a runny nose, and when I suctioned it out, it was bloody, so the fine particles are bothering her too. I'll be glad when the air is clear again!

I'll post more when there's news!
Melissa

Update from our meeting with Social services today

We met with 4 different social workers today (everyone has a different task in what goes on), and here's the latest:

1) The 14 day period that the birth mom has to reclaim the baby expires tomorrow (Friday) night at midnight -- yeah!!! She turned her over the day she was born (Saturday), and the clock counts the first calendar day as day 1. It was nice to get some clarification of those facts, even nicer that they all worked towards the earliest day possible!

2) We are going forward with a "goodbye" meeting with the birth mom next Wednesday. It will be a short (15-30 minute) meeting, and I'm supposed to wait in the cafeteria during the time. One of the social workers who I met today will be the one in charge of Amanda, and she'll have an assistant with her for help to make sure there's no funny business. Additionally, the meeting is scheduled for when the sheriffs are on duty at the social services offices. Paul joked that the social worker's assistant is the "bouncer." A friend of mine is coming along to keep me company, which will be great, but really I am feeling fine about all of this. The birth mom has requested that she have a picture taken of her and the baby, and I've added a request that I also can provide a camera for a similar photo. They'll also ask the birth mom if she would voluntarily supply any non-identifying information about the birth father. I think it would be especially nice to know his ethnic background, and hope she wants to provide it. But, this is a really unusual situation since Amanda was a Safe Surrender baby, and the bm doesn't have to do anything if she doesn't want to. They are also going to ask her if she would like to give us her address if she wants any future correspondence, and then we can decide how we want to proceed from there.

3) The birthmom reported that she didn't drink, use drugs, or smoke during the pregnancy. We were pretty confident that there wasn't drug exposure, but it made me cry (again!), to know that she took good care of herself.

That's about it, I think. So, our ticking clock is coming to an end, and no one expects anything dramatic to happen.

The next legal steps will still take about 3 months -- to terminate parental rights, then there is some more waiting until they can finalize the adoption. But things are looking really good (knock on wood), so we're starting to relax!

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and positive thoughts -- we really feel them, and they have really helped!

Keeping Perspective

While I was at a Hallmark store yesterday (where I finally found a baby book that was adaptable for an adoption!), the phone rang. It was a new social worker (they had warned me that there would be a lot of social workers who would be involved), this one is involved in "investigations" -- I guess documenting everything needed to legally terminate the parental rights for the birth parents.

She had called to let me know that the birth mother has requested a final "goodbye" visit with her baby My heart stopped about then, but the social worker reassured me by telling me that she asked the birthmom, point-blank, "are you thinking of changing your mind, do you want the baby back?" to which the birthmom responded "absolutely not"

I'll feel a lot better after the visit, which will be well supervised to make sure she doesn't kidnap Amanda (!).

On the one hand, I really feel for this woman. She has given us the most precious gift anyone has ever given us. And I've given birth, so I know that when you first see the baby after it's born, you're in a daze. I guess she just wants to be more cognizant of seeing her one last time. A friend of mine helped me see how sweet it is for Amanda, to be able to know that her birthmom really cared. Still, it's nerve wracking...

I don't know yet when the visit will be. I asked the social worker if there was any way we could schedule it for after the weekend, since at least the 14 day timeline for when the birthmom could ask for the baby back with no questions asked will have passed. The social worker thought that just might work, so perhaps the visit will be Monday?

Deep down, I believe it's going to be o.k. But I'll be glad to have it over!

On another note, Amanda only woke once last night -- so we all basically got a full nights sleep. Whoo-hoo!!!

Melissa

Blessed by God

I have hardly been able to sleep the past few days -- and not only from the typical newborn responsibilities. Even after Amanda is fed and back to sleep, I lie awake in bed -- my mind simply cannot think enough about the incredible blessing we've just received, and I go over and over it. (I know, at some point, sheer exhaustion is going to take over!). It reduces me to tears -- this complete happy surprise that was just handed to us -- literally, just handed to us....

We happened to be near our church last night in time for the 6pm Saturday night service, and figured -- why not -- lets go tonight rather than tomorrow morning. We walked in, thinking we were a few minutes early, when we realized the service actually had been moved up to 5:30. Oops! So we snuck in the back, just in time for the sermon.

Our pastor ended the service with a benediction from Ephesians 3:20, which reads:
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..."
And of course, I started crying (again!) -- immeasurably more is right! We never in our wildest dreams thought we'd get a Safe Surrender baby! As Paul told my brother, most people would give their eye teeth for what we just got!

I have been struggling to trust God in the past 4 years -- his answers to my fervent prayers through the dry times of infertility weren't very apparent. Even in the past few months, when I knew with certainty that we were in line and would get a yet-to-be-determined child from the system, it's taken discipline to turn my fears over to Him, and to stop obsessing about the factors that were completely out of my control. But in the back of my mind, I still felt overlooked by God, and my prayers were said more out of hope than out of assurance.

I remember telling someone a few years ago that no one wanted to hear my testimony right then. People want to hear the happy ending -- the formula for testimonies is generally -- I struggled, I turned it over to God, and here's the happy ending that he gave me. It seemed so trite, and like it didn't apply to my life. I really came to appreciate it when I would hear people honestly talk about their struggles to trust God, and how he doesn't promise an easy life here on earth, just that he'll walk with us.

And look what He's done in our lives now -- happy ending to beat all happy endings (OK, the bottom could still drop out by next week if the birth mother changes her mind, but I'm growing in confidence that we'll get to keep Amanda.).

God is good, and he can do immeasurably more than we can ever ask or imagine...

Big Brother's adjustment

Reality has set in for Jason, that he has officially been "dethroned" as the baby in the family, and he's not happy about it. He told me Friday morning that he hoped that Amanda's birthmom wanted her back, because he didn't want her to stay. (I know, I know, it's perfectly normal -- still, it's hard to watch him go through this...)

Amanda generously bought big brother a Playmobil pirate toy that he's been wanting, so that seems to have won her some favor in his heart -- at least for a while.

Here is a picture of Jason from Thursday night -- poor guy keeps suggesting fun things that he can play with Mommy or Daddy, but it's just not feasible to give him our undivided attention on the spot anymore. Tasha was playing piano with him, but he wanted mom's attention. (Forgive the underwear shot -- he's decided lately that he shouldn't have to wear pants inside the house, and it's a battle we just don't consistently fight anymore!)

We do have some sweet shots of him holding Amanda, so the days aren't filled with angst, but it's still hard.

The worst was yesterday afternoon, when I was changing Amanda's diaper. He walked up to Molly, our dog, and gave her a big hug and said "Oh, do you need attention? I promise I won't never, ever forget about you!" It just choked me up -- I feel so bad for him!

This is normal, this is normal, this is normal.......

How we got Amanda...

Edited: For security reasons, since this blog is in a public domain, a friend in the know suggested I take off pictures with Amanda's face showing. We'll figure out how to get photos to everyone later!

First, I have to preface this that we received temporary custody of Amanda with the understanding that if the birth mother comes forward to reclaim her within the first 14 days, she gets her, no questions asked. So, it feels a little funny to be posting this as our adoption story just yet, but here goes...

Tuesday began totally normally for us. We had been providing Respite care (babysitting for foster parents) for a 2 year old the previous week, and she had gone home on Monday. Jason had been so great in sharing the household, that I decided to do something special for him on Tuesday. When he woke up, I told him we were going to Sea World for the day (it's about 1-1/2 hours drive from here), and he was so excited!

We got to Sea World. I took a picture of Jason with the map, because he had decided he was going to be in charge of navigating us for the day. We walked around (stopping frequently to consult his map!), got lunch, saw a show, and were in line to get him the dessert he'd been holding out for when my cell phone rang. From the caller ID I saw it was my Social Worker, but there was still so much going on around me that I didn't even give it ~that~ much extra thought. She checks in with us ever so often, so I thought maybe that was why she was calling.

It was 2:30 pm. I could tell she was taken aback that we were so far away, and she asked if I could be back in our area by 4 pm. I asked why, and she told me there was a newborn Safe Surrender baby that needed to be picked up at the hospital, and was ours if we were interested. WERE WE INTERESTED? I guess I was so busy being in denial that she couldn't tell that every ounce of my body was saying yes. I actually had to say it out loud -- yes, we were interested! But, I had to buy an extra 1/2 hour, because there was no way I could get there by 4 pm.

By now, Jason and I had somehow made it out of the cafeteria -- him with his Shamu dessert, me with tears streaming down my face. I can't imagine what the other Sea World visitors thought of us at the moment!

With Jason eating his messy dessert, I called Paul and told him what was going on. He couldn't arrange to get to the hospital until after 5 pm, so I knew it was up to me to somehow get up there.

This picture is Jason, in front of the cafeteria where he got his Shamu dessert, showing me how excited he is to be getting a baby sister!

I finally got off the phone, and talked to Jason about what was going on. His first question was "what's she going to be for Halloween?" I love a child's world!

So I talked Jason into being "done" when he wasn't really, with his dessert, and we high tailed it out of the park. Not before being reminded by him that I'd promised him a toy. We power shopped at the nearest kiosk, found a toy he was happy with, and made it to the car. Somewhere in the parking lot, Jason started crying because we hadn't made it to the aquarium yet, and he had really wanted to see that. I kept trying to convince him that since we have annual passes, we'll come back with the baby. And isn't a baby sister better than the aquarium? He wasn't buying it... So the walk across the parking lot wasn't exactly a Hallmark moment, but that's the way it goes!

On the drive up, I made a few select phone calls -- I knew my mind wasn't 100% "there", and I didn't want to take any more risks than I needed to. My friends Cathy and Kathy kicked it into gear -- one arranged to pick up the other's car seat (plus a cute coming home outfit!), and met me at the hospital with it. Cathy then took Jason to her house so that we could focus on the task at hand.

I had a few surreal minutes in the hospital lobby when it was just me and the empty car seat. I just kept staring at it, in disbelief that it would soon hold our daughter.










The social workers (3 of them) met me and took me to the NICU, where the baby was. She wasn't needing their services -- I never totally understood why she was there -- maybe just because of the extra security? They took me into the nursing room of NICU to sign papers. At one point, a nurse started to roll the bassinet into the room, but one of the social workers told her "not yet", and they took it away. All I saw was the little bundle where her feet must have been. It was such a teaser moment!

Paul showed up just in time for our introduction. We had to scrub in (NICU policy), then they led us over to her bassinet. I honestly don't remember much about those moments, other than her ruby red lips.

The nurses were really kind to us -- they don't get many Safe Surrender babies, and they had treated her so specially!

She was born 10-6-07, weighing 7 lbs 15 oz. The birthmom relinquished her either that day or the next. The reasons still aren't totally clear to me, but from the little I know, the birthmom is pretty resolute about not keeping her. So our focus of concern is on the birthdad -- we know absolutely nothing about him, including his ethnicity. So we just hope that the birthmom had apprised him of the situation, and he's o.k. with her solution.

To be released from the hospital, she had to ride in someones arms in the wheelchair. My husband declined, so I got the honor. I had to laugh, being wheeled out like I was disabled. Of course my mind had turned to mush in the past few hours, so in a sense I was totally out of it, but my legs worked fine! They made me stay in the wheelchair while Paul went to get the car and pull up around to the discharge area.

Since we had driven separately to the hospital, I headed home while Paul went to our friends' house to pick up Jason. I stopped by Babies-R-us to pick up diapers, a baby monitor, and a few other necessities. The hospital had been really generous giving us formula and diapers, but I didn't want to run out!

We sat around the dinner table (Paul had picked up Chick-fil-A at a drive through on the way home!), and talked about what to name her. When I was preg. with Jason, we had chosen Amanda Grace as the girls name, so we settled on giving this baby that name. Our hesitation was simply that if she was "reclaimed" by the birthmom, then we'd used up our favorite name. But, the chances of us having gotten a newborn were so slim to start with, that we've decided just to roll the dice and go with it.



Here are the kids with their new sister. Fortunately, Tasha was at our house Tuesday afternoon. She spends every other week with us, and this isn't our week, but God knew she needed to be here for this moment!






We still can't believe how our story has unfolded. As foster-to-adopt parents, we had said we were willing to receive a girl, ages 0-3 years old, with mild medical problems. I had been ready to deal with the ADHD caused by prenatal drug exposure, I'd been afraid of what might be involved with attachment issues for an older child (who had seen heaven-knows-what in their short little life that got them into foster care to begin with). And here they give us this perfect, drug-free newborn baby. Unbelievable.



Our social worker told us that the county gets maybe 6-8 Safe Surrender babies a year. And we got one of them. Pray for us that the next 10 days or so pass quickly, and we can really, really call her ours!

Melissa

Day Two

(Sorry - photo was removed - not sure I can post pictures of her face on this public domain!)

After meeting with one of the many social workers who will be involved in our lives over the next several months, we found out that we can, indeed name the baby -- so here I am, officially introducing AMANDA GRACE.

She was born 10-6-07, weighing 7 lbs 15 oz, and was 20-1/2 inches long.

Last night was a bit rough - I had trouble sleeping in the first half of the night, because I was so darn excited! Plus, every time she made a peep, I heard her on the baby monitor, and wondered what she was up to. The second half of the night, she had a rough time sleeping. She was up about every 1/2 hour, but only for 5 minutes at a time. As soon as I fed her, she'd fall back asleep. In hindsight, she was just grazing -- at the time, I was just happy she was asleep again. And so the cycle continued....

Today, she has slept allllllllll day. She can't stay awake to eat much at a time. I think I'm in for it again tonight!

Meanwhile, we're still reveling in the wonder of it all.

The birth mom has until 10/21 to change her mind -- we'll breathe a huge sigh of relief when that deadline passes!!!

Enough for now -- poopy diaper calls!

She's here!!!!

SHE'S HERE!!!!!!!